Answer

Her observation of me was presented as fact, not an opinion. And she was very honest about it, because she knows me well. But my reaction was naturally, to be defensive.

So my retorts were falling all over themselves, competing for the best spot of actually being verbalised. Competing also, against the thoughts at the back of my mind, the realisation that she was right.

And suddenly in that split second, I went through the most cliched version of an epiphany. A sudden montage of flashbacks of certain Moments in my past, whether it be mistakes or lucky coincidences all nicely summed up to be :

Question : Why did I choose those choices?
Answer : Because you always want something that you don't have.

She is right. It is true. So I'm glad I'm not at that age anymore, those years ago.... else, I'll easily be in deeper sh*te by now.

Paranoia is not fun

"So Emo."

Since when did it become so unfashionable to show emotions? Or maybe it has always been unfashionable, and I just didn't get the memo. Or maybe I got it, but it was written in another language. or something.

"Eee.. rambut dia so emo."
"Eee... apsal tak senyum ni? so emo."
"Emo specs, emo dressing, muka emo, budak EMO."

"EEEEEmmmoooooOOOOoooooo."

No wonder orang dulu-dulu kept diaries.

A bluer shade of green.

Confession :


All I wanna do, right here, right now is just to shout to the world,
nevermind all the political-incorrectness that my words and decibels might entail
that I'm feeling bloaty and green-ish and
honestly?
I feel like a walking toxic waste trash can.
And after that I can sit still and just stare off to space.
But, no.

No nono noo no no.

Bound by a personal social responsibility,
I shall attempt silence by not verbalising but just
typing out this bacterial annoyance residing incessant in my bowels.
Disguised in meandering prose.


Note :

It's 3 o'clock on Monday, and the highest level of productivity I can muster is to aspire not eat too many random pills while trying my bestest not sleep in closet on take an MC.

(Sub-note :- Since Boss prefers late coming to MCs and Emergency Leaves, this is actually a good choice, Vincent.)

I blame this on Monday. Even though I had a good Monday, relatively.

I want to be a tourist.

Being a tourist is fun.

When you're a tourist, you can make peace signs in front of random important-ish looking buildings with important-ish sounding names without knowing what it means.

Hooray.

Should I? A bit too late now..

Went to dermatologist yesterday and she confidently prescribed me Roaccutane. Being my father's daughter, I can't quite shrug off the nagging feeling to read up on the side effect of prescribed meds. (FYI, to my dad, antibiotics is the product of satan's loins).

Apparently there's a whole WEBSITE just dedicated to the side effects of this ONE particular drug . This doesn't look good.

Apparently it can effect almost every single thing in my body, from bones to muscle deterioration to bla bla bla (check the link out urself, too many for me to type here). But here's an excerpt related to mental health problems sahaja :

Serious mental health problems. Accutane may cause:

depression

psychosis (seeing or hearing things that are not real)

suicide. Some patients taking Accutane have had thoughts about hurting themselves or putting an end to their own lives (suicidal thoughts). Some people tried to end their own lives. And some people have ended their own lives.

Stop Accutane and call your doctor right away if you or a family member notices that you have any of the following signs and symptom of depression or psychosis:

start to feel sad or have crying spells

lose interest in activities you once enjoyed

sleep too much or have trouble sleeping

become more irritable, angry, or aggressive than usual (for example, temper outbursts, thoughts of violence)

have a change in your appetite or body weight

have trouble concentrating

withdraw from your friends or family

feel like you have no energy

have feelings of worthlessness or guilt

start having thoughts about hurting yourself or taking your own life (suicidal thoughts)

start acting on dangerous impulses

start seeing or hearing things that are not real

Hooooooo boy! This should be fun.

Guilt etc.

One of the feelings I hate THE MOST in this world has got to be the feeling of guilt. Trumps betrayal, trumps being forgotten, trumps getting framed (have I ever been framed ke? heh) and the reason is simple : you have no one else to hate but yourself. Knowing that it was your bad choices that got you into this mess in the first place.

And then, almost like an eternal bumper issue, you get hit by another feeling : Disappointing Others. That consequent feeling deep inside, a similiar shade of yucky tepid colour, but not exactly the same. Sometimes the variety of ickiness that you feel just serves to remind you that your bad choices are like a gift that just keeps on giving. Needless to say, in a bad way of course.

I don't think the people/Entities I've disappointed will read this. But for what it's worth, I am Sorry.

HAAA???!?!????

The Star covered a story about the Polygamy Club here.

Ok lah, cuba membaca with an open mind. Then suddenly I came to this bit :

" Hatijah, who became the patriarch's fourth wife in 1982, used to be skeptical of polygamy, and agreed to the marriage because she worried that at 27, she was getting too old to find a husband."

27??? TOO OLD???!?!??? WARDEFAAKK!!!GILER DEFEATIST!!